02: The day of suffering...

Waking up that morning was still ok as i didn't really sleep much during the night with nurses coming in to take my blood pressure, temperature and giving me medication. Plus the fact that i was coughing blood and saliva out into the kidney dish and doing suction myself. With the effect of the medication, i was dozing off. And the hard thing was not knowing what time is it when i wake up. So i took things like, "It will be around 8plus in the morning when the doctor do their round." "When my mum comes, it will be close to noon."

In the morning, when my surgeon and doctors came to visit me, they decided that i will be well enough to be transfered to normal ward. Everything seems ok. I am coping quite well after the surgery as well.

Oh man, its time to transfer today

Coming to think of transferring to normal ward will be a pain. Because i will be no longer in the comfort of being alone in the ward. Having others around you which might cause disturbance when i want to sleep. I didn't think further and doze off in a while. Keep on waking up and dozing off... till my mum came and the nurse in charge told her that i will be transferring to normal ward. And they had already called for a bed in the normal ward for me. And i hope that the bed wasn't ready till later time.

It was still quite a wait and my dad came and visit me for a while before he returns home for his work in the evening. He says, "Why want to make yourself suffer so much?" I didn't really take it to heart as he did mentioned during Chinese New Year this year. I just take it as a brushing comment. Anyway what is done is done?

It's time to transfer to normal ward!!!

The time to wait and wait for a bed and i keep dozing off from time to time. I realized that the time really passed very slow in hospital. Then, came the news that the bed is ready and i will be going to my ward. Then the nurses helped to transfer me over to the new ward. Managed to get onto the bed without much help on my own.

I realized that the ward is air conditioned. I thought to myself, "Has Class B2 ward upgraded themselves to air conditioned ward?" At least i will be in comfort for stay here. The nurse in charge of me handed over stuffs to the nurse in charge of the new ward.

The bed of the new ward is softer than i like it to be. Same as the pillow as well. I just got to endure the stay in the hospital. Everything was still pretty manageable until visitors start leaving and some hangs around the ward from those just admitted in. It was pretty noisy and the lights were on. The nurses were stationed beside me. I couldn't even get to sleep. I think i will have a better time in the HD ward all by myself.

That night was the worst i think. I had difficulty in breathing. The mucus, saliva and blood was building up again. Not having the attention of the nurse in normal ward makes it worst. Not being able to sleep due to the noise and the lights make it even hell. I thought i am going to die just like that. Asked the nurse to clear the nose block but i still feel breathless. The nurse call in the doctor on duty and check.

I think i am just too weak for all these. The period of suffering was a bit unbearable. I calm myself down and chant in my heart, hopefully everything will go. Soon and i don't know how long it took for me to doze off again. But soon after, i was awaken to take medication, blood pressure and temperature. Checking whether i have any pain? The pain is actually manageable and seriously i didn't feel any pain still operation. Except for the headache i am having.

The night just went on and off, with me waking up taking medicine, blood pressure and stuffs... and i was playing with the bed controls to elevate my bed for a comfortable position all night.

Was i close to death?

Surprisingly, i understand something that i thought i will not until the day i am leaving this "beautiful" world. The difficulties in breathing tells me that if this suffering is going to end, please take me away so i can end this suffering. I felt like, will that be what my grandparents thought when their life is close to death on the bed fighting against the pain they had to bear with the cancer. It wasn't that hard as i thought it will be to think that you will leave your family members behind.

Why suffer?

During the two days i did think about... why should i go through this pain? If i know, i will not had went through the operation. But it's too late to say all these... i have to endure and go through it. After getting over it, i will be happy with the result and be glad i went through. It's just an experience of the lifetime that i will not go through again. =)